I'm willing to entertain the possibility that the MAGA wing of the Republican Party appears simply illiterate, thereby humbly dismissing a multitude of somewhat obvious sins. But the more I examine it, I find evidence of these fierce Donald Trump followers almost endearingly, and in the most determinedly childlike fashion, gnawing around the very edges of Western - surprise! - books.

The trouble is, they just come away every time with a very muddled interpretation of the basic texts, drawing, in fact, the opposite conclusions from the intentions of the authors.

Take the Bible.

Trump's followers talk about it a lot.

But here's a tip.

Nebuchadnezzar is not the hero of the Bible, guys.

I'm not preaching. Not teaching.

Wouldn't think of it.

But if you're a Hebrew Scriptures champion you probably want to look at Moses as the protagonist. The short version of Exodus? He wasn't leading any immigrant roundups led by guys with masks on their faces.

As for The New Testament, the hero (big revelation coming up) was Christ.

The simple version?

He didn't stand at a microphone and incessantly whine about how other people mistreated him. He didn't rub his hands together devising ways to turn government agencies into his own hit squad for political revenge.

I'm not going to tell you what He did.

Just try to read the Christian Scriptures next time without seeing King Herod as the guy whose scorched earth movement inspires you to follow him.

Going too fast for you?

Ok.

How about Star Wars?

Popular movie, mostly geared toward kids.

Let's take it down a notch.

Perfect.

But even here, the Trumpies have a hard time following the basic plot.

For starters, Jabba the Hutt is not the hero of the movie.

Do you understand that, guys?

Try to invert that pyramid. It's tough, because Luke Skywalker is a wimp, right? He actually wants to do good, not bad. He's focused on spiritual - not material - goods.

I know you love the image of a bloated leader who sits on a toadstool and tries to demean active participants in the human condition, like Luke's fellow good guy Han Solo, as your beloved overlord once did with John McCain, shot down over Vietnam and tortured, and in the aftermath of Trump's National Archives releasing the private unredacted files of Mikie Sherrill, who served our country in unform with distinction for nearly a decade.

We could go on, of course.

Suffice to say, dear readers, the hero of The Three Musketeers is not Milady de Winter, nor the manicured aspirational greens of your golf courses Whitman's Leaves of Grass, nor the object of Dante's Divine Comedy the living hell of Pisan nobleman Ugolino della Gherardesca.

Blue Duck is not the person you want to emulate in Lonesome Dove.

I'll concede that expunging public television in New Jersey in the name of political literacy does, in fact, equate to the core of Orwell's Politics and the English Language.

You got me (subtly, subtly!) on that one.

But then, as I said at the outset, perhaps I have judged you harshly.

For if you read this, or some of it, that means you, in fact, yes, can read, after all.

So, I'll wrap it up.

Forgive my intrusion into sacred space.

Far be it for me to interrupt your ongoing study of that enduring MAGA classic, The Plot Against the King, written by Kash Patel, Trump's head of the FBI, which tells the inspiring tale of Kash "the Distinguished Discoverer" and, yes, of course, "King Donald."

Go on, my boys.

Back to work.

The sons of the Enlightenment who gave us our precious documents would be proud, as would Dr. Strangelove, the title character of the Kubrick film, who instead of "I can walk," might just as well shriek euphorically in the updated MAGA version ending of the movie," - "I CAN READ!"