The curtain rises on a park bench in Long Branch, New Jersey. Two men are seated next to each other.

TRUMP (glancing up at the long, sad, bearded face next to him): Hey, you’re that guy on money, aren’t you?

LINCOLN (looking up from notes): Pardon me?

TRUMP: You’re that guy on the $5 bill. I’ve seen you around. Not often, of course. I deal with much larger currency.

LINCOLN (chuckling): Not only a five.

TRUMP: Eh?

LINCOLN: A penny for your thoughts?

TRUMP: Yeah. Yeah. I know you. Heard about you in a book that Bill O’Reilly wrote. Good guy. Good guy. Someone told me you grew up in a cabin. I build skyscrapers and golf courses, and you grew up in a cabin. What’s wrong with this picture?

LINCOLN: Whether it’s a crude cabin or a majestic edifice, a house divided against itself cannot stand.

TRUMP: FAKE NEWS! I say divide and conquer. You gotta problem with that?

LINCOLN: The hearing of it hurts far less, my friend, than having lived by that directive – for the sake of unity.

TRUMP: What are you saying?

LINCOLN: Something that is far beyond my poor power to add or detract.

TRUMP: Hey. Abe.

LINCOLN: Yes?

TRUMP: You look like a loser. Really, I would have thought you were a homeless person sitting here. I don’t have any money, ok? That top hat looks like something Ed Koch would wear. And how about that wife of yours? Mary Todd. Don’t get me started. What kind of woman has the name Todd? Look at me. Look at all the women I’ve been with. Who would you rather be with, Melania or Mary Todd?

LINCOLN: I am blessed to be with her.

TRUMP: Yeah, well, with an attitude like that you’ll never make America great again. You gotta stick it to them before they stick it to you.

LINCOLN: That’s what I kept telling McClellan.

TRUMP: Yeah? You can joke about it all you want, but you don’t know what it’s like to have to govern during times of real controversy, where you’re tested. You don’t know what it’s like to be president with the players of the National Football League all ganging up on you in real time. On Twitter!

LINCOLN: That sounds… difficult.

TRUMP (enraged): I can handle it!

LINCOLN: I’m sure you can, and will, for the good of the country.

TRUMP: You and me, you know, we don’t have a lot in common.

LINCOLN: We are Americans. That is a sufficient starting point.

TRUMP: My America doesn’t look like your America. People respected authority back in your day. Family. They don’t now. If you don’t believe me, just look at Colin Kaepernick. You never had to deal with someone like him.

LINCOLN: Colin sounds like a regular Jefferson Davis.

TRUMP: Is he related to Richard Jefferson?

LINCOLN: The men who sacrificed before – as now – embody a nobility that humbles us both.

TRUMP: Not me. They don’t humble me. I build buildings. BIG buildings. And that’s a huge sacrifice, let me tell you.

LINCOLN: Did you ever read Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar?

TRUMP: Was that with Alec Baldwin? I don’t watch him in anything. Not funny.

LINCOLN: I don’t know. All I know is that it starred that part of us that must find a way – after all the intrigue and the ambition and the torment – to be friends.

TRUMP: Deep. Deep. Heavy. You’re putting me to sleep. (discomfited, lonely) What are you doing here anyway?

LINCOLN: Excuse me?

TRUMP: What are you doing here, on this park bench?

LINCOLN: Oh, I was just writing a speech.

TRUMP: A speech?

LINCOLN (Looking up over the tops of his glasses): Yes.

TRUMP: Dude, if it can’t be said in 140 characters, don’t waste my time. Hey. I just remembered. We actually do have something in common.

LINCOLN: What’s that, my friend?

TRUMP: We both lost Alabama.

LINCOLN (solemnly, with deep sadness and feeling): No. I… won… Alabama. At a terrible cost. But won.

TRUMP (Smiling): Well, anyway, then, we both lost New Jersey! See you around, Abe.

LINCOLN: Farewell, young Commodus.

Trump turns away, begins walking off, then turns around and walks back.

TRUMP (slumping onto the bench, head in his hands): Oh, God, Abe. I’m… so… lonely. You’re revered. You’re loved. Universally admired, so you couldn’t possibly understand. Nobody likes me. They hate me. You have no idea what it’s like to be me – to be attacked, to be disrespected, to be reviled. You sit up there in the Lincoln Memorial like God Almighty, but you could never know what it’s like to be me!

LINCOLN: Courage, man. Or I’ll have to pack you off to talk to General Sherman.

TRUMP (sobbing): We’re both Republicans, Abe. Aren’t we? Aren’t we, Abe? (wailing) Abe!!!

Sadly, Lincoln lays a firm and comforting hand on the utterly overwhelmed Trump’s shuddering shoulder, as John Wilkes Booth runs up behind the 16th President, a shot rings out and….

The Curtain Falls

TRUMP’S VOICE IN THE DARKNESS: Don Lemon… is the dumbest man on television!