Malinowski to Run for Reelection


In a stunning semi-sign of somewhat literate life on the New Jersey political landscape (former Senator Bob Torricelli once referenced Mark Antony), a politician has summoned the past as a preface to his present. Left for roadkill on the Democrats’ redistricting map, U.S. Rep. Tom Malinowski (D-7) nonetheless sees a kingly future for himself in Congress among beloved intimates, quoting Shakespeare’s Henry V in a press release titled “Malinowski Announces Plans for 2022 Election Cycle”.

The contents simply reads:

(Bridgewater, NJ) “‘Once more unto the breach, dear friends…'”

Malinowski’s would-be Republican Hotspur, Tom Kean., Jr., came out of his self-imposed cocoon to declare his certainty – on a Fox News program – that Malinowski will lose if he runs again.

Malinowski, who defeated Kean by a slender margin in their sulfuric acid bath-like 2020 tilt, apparently sees it differently, preferring an Agincourt ending for himself over the France of CD-7 otherwise called Kean.

Retiring from the state senate, Kean has his own GOP Primary to worry about, as the establishment tries to stack the deck to ensure the most rightward flank of the party finishes itself off to enable a mild-mannered Junior primary victory.

By all early appearances on the heels of Malinowski’s announcement, the public would be treated to another round of Titus Adronicus, under the guise of Prince Harry fighting for England. But there was no truth to the rumor that Kean, in response to Malinowski, “would better brook the loss of brittle life than those proud titles” Malinowski kept from him last year.

The National Republican Campaign Committee (NRCC) did issue a statement in response to the news, claiming that Malinowski has “opted for unemployment by year’s end.” After barely winning in 2020, Malinowski has put himself in an even worse position with his stock trading scandals.“If Tom Malinowski were smart, he would quit before he gets fired,” said NRCC Spokeswoman Samantha Bullock.


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  • Michael Schnackenberg

    Samantha Bullsh1t, er, Bullock, talks a tough game. Let’s see her a$$ on a ballot!

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