New Jersey: What Exit? — Sources across the Garden State report widespread panic and bewilderment this week as New Jersey voters find themselves in the unprecedented and terrifying position of having to make an actual decision about who they want to govern them.

The chaos began after a court ruling last year dismantled the state's beloved tradition of having party bosses simply point at their favorite candidate and declare them the winner before anyone had to think too hard about democracy.

"I don't understand what's happening," said Bethany Jane Kowalski of Woodbridge, clutching a sample ballot with visible trembling. "There are six names here. Six! How am I supposed to know which one the important people want me to pick? Where are the instructions?"

The confusion has left many longtime Democratic voters longing for the simpler days when political decisions were made in smoke-filled rooms by men in expensive suits, allowing ordinary citizens to focus on more manageable tasks like choosing between 47 varieties of breakfast cereal.

"We had a beautiful system," explained Rutgers political science professor and Lower Moreland Township councilman Howard Pringle, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. "Party leaders would carefully select one candidate, give them millions of dollars, and tell us that democracy had occurred. It was elegant. Efficient. No one had to read position papers or learn anyone's name until November."

The state Democratic Party has reportedly established emergency hotlines for voters experiencing "choice anxiety" and distributed pamphlets titled "So You Have to Pick Someone: A Beginner's Guide to Democracy."

Meanwhile, several candidates have begun offering to withdraw from the race "to make things easier for everyone," with one promising to simply follow whatever the other candidates decide to do about governing the state.

At press time, New Jersey Republicans were reportedly considering implementing their own primary system, but only after conducting focus groups to determine whether voters could handle making two whole decisions in one year.