FLEMINGTON, NJ — In a bold stance that Princeton political analysts are calling “technically airtight,” local attorney Joey Novick announced Tuesday that his hypothetical, non-existent campaign will maintain the highest ethical standards by refusing all corporate PAC contributions and dark money.

“I want to be perfectly clear with the zero constituents who aren’t counting on me,” Novick declared in a recent press release, where he is definitely not running for anything. “When I don’t appear on any ballot this November — or any November — voters can rest assured that my absence was not purchased by special interests.”

The non-candidacy has already drawn praise from good government advocates who say Novick’s refusal to accept money he was never going to receive anyway represents a refreshing change in politics.

“Finally, someone willing to take a stand by not standing,” said Marcus Nesbitt-Chen, executive director of CHEAT (Citizens for Honest, Ethical, and Accountable Transparency). CHEAT is a watchdog group exposing government waste, corruption, and deception.

“His commitment to not being corrupted by donations to a campaign that doesn’t exist is exactly the kind of moral leadership this country desperately needs from people who aren’t seeking office.”

Novick’s platform for the position he’s not pursuing reportedly includes a comprehensive agenda of policies he won’t be implementing, legislation he won’t be introducing, and town halls he won’t be holding.

“I also pledge complete transparency,” Novick added. “I will disclose exactly how much corporate money I’m not taking: zero dollars. Every month, I’ll release detailed reports showing continued receipts of zero dollars from PACs, super PACs, and mysterious LLCs based in Delaware.”

Political opponents Novick doesn’t have praised his integrity while questioning whether his decision not to run is simply a cynical ploy to avoid the hard work of actually campaigning.

Early polling shows Novick trailing significantly among voters in races he has not entered, though his unfavorability ratings remain impressively low among people who have never heard of him running for anything.

At press time, Novick was scheduling a non-fundraiser where attendees won’t be asked to donate to his non-campaign, with all zero proceeds going directly toward office supplies he’s already buying anyway.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​