(Trenton, NJ) – Tomorrow, Governor Chris Christie will create a statewide New Jersey Muslim Travel Ban. Simultaneously, Christie will officially announce his own conversion to Islam.

“Frankly, this won’t affect my life that much,” said Governor Christie. “For several years, I’ve hardly actually been in New Jersey at all. Whether campaigning for Steve King in Iowa or practically moving to New Hampshire. Whether kissing Sandy Adelson’s ring in Las Vegas, acting as a podium prop for Donald Trump in West Palm or currying favor with the Koch Brothers in Colorado.  Whether Jordan’s King Abdullah picking up my $30,000 a night bill at (even though I later couldn’t remember ‘my good friend’s’ name) or Jerry Jones flying me out to Dallas Cowboys games so I could gyrate on him in the owner’s box. The taxpayers should really thank me today- because they’ll no longer be forced to foot the bill for all my travel which did absolutely nothing to make their lives better. Salaam Aleikum.”

From 2014 through 2016, Christie spent all or part of 504 days outside of New Jersey. Actually, President Trump specifically bashed Christie for spending so much time in New Hampshire while the Garden State’s economy sputtered. Since taking office, Christie’s security has cost taxpayers nearly $1.8 million.  In 2015 alone, his eye-popping travel put taxpayers on the hook over $600,00 to cover security. 

“Christie can visit me anytime he likes these next 12 months,” said Chairman David Samson, reached while enjoying retirement at his antique-filled vacation home in South Carolina. “We’ve got lots of room here. Although I suggest perhaps he take Delta, Southwest or JetBlue”

“Finally!” exclaimed Lieutenant Governor Kim Guadagno. “At least now I get to be governor… If only for 9 months.”

“While Trump’s directive was both unconstitutional and unpopular, if Christie’s new statewide directive means leaving New Jersey never again to return, 98 percent of the state’s residents now agree with the ban – with a margin-of-error plus or minus 3 percentage points, ” said Patrick Murray, Monmouth University Polling Institute Director.

“You can still defund Planned Parenthood as a Muslim, right?” asked Congressman Chris Smith (NJ-4), who supported Trump’s original travel ban. “Because everyone knows I’ve lived in Virginia for decades. So, if I converted I could just drop the Jersey residency ruse?! What a load off!”

“Well, at least he didn’t convert to Judaism,” said a relieved Steve Bannon, Chief White House Strategist to President Trump.

“Please note that this news is embargoed until tomorrow,” said Joshua Henne, Christie’s annual April 1^st spokesperson. “No one’s ever tried harder to leave New Jersey. Yet, Christie came this close to being the first governor to serve two-terms since the 1980’s. He finally leaves office with one accomplishment.  All I can say is good luck, goodbye.”