I have been to several Trump rallies and wandered amongst his enthusiastic MAGA-hatted supporters. I’ve walked the halls at CPAC, and had coffee with Oliver North, attended a breakfast event with Mike Huckabee, ran into Mark Levin, and got to hear Michele Bachman ramble on and on. And I snuck into a five thousand dollar a plate Ronald Reagan dinner and sat with Republican conservative elected officials. And I was even invited and attended a Sunday brunch of pardoned J6ers. Yup, I did all that. And learned a lot.

I’ve have taken to heart what Pete Seeger and Sen. Bernie Sanders said: We need to be able to speak to and listen to people we don’t agree with.

So, this is what I have learned.

So, look— we need to talk about the Democratic Party, and I know what you’re thinking—“Oh great, another lecture about politics.” But hear me out, because what I’m about to say is going to make half of you spit out your oat milk latte and the other half choke on your freedom fries. The Democrats might actually need to learn something from Donald Trump. I know, I KNOW. Just… just stay with me here. I’m not saying they should start spray-tanning themselves orange or tweeting at 3 AM about Rosie O’Donnell. I’m saying maybe, just maybe, there are some things about how that guy operated that actually worked, and pretending otherwise is like refusing to learn chess from Bobby Fischer because he was nuts. Spoiler alert: he was nuts AND he was really good at chess.

First off, Democrats need to figure out what the hell they’re actually saying. Trump had “Make America Great Again.” Four words. My bubbe with dementia could’ve remembered that. Meanwhile, the Democrats show up with “A Future That Works For All Americans Through Inclusive Economic Growth Strategies and Sustainable Development.” For godsake—that’s not a slogan, that’s a county community college course description. By the time they finish explaining their position on healthcare, half the country has already died from lack of healthcare. Trump understood something that apparently everyone who went to an Ivy League school forgot: people are busy. They’ve got jobs and kids and birthdays to remember and they’re trying to figure out why their check engine light is on. They don’t have time for your 90 minute TED Talk. “Build the wall”—done. You know what it means instantly. You might think it’s stupid, you might think it’s cruel, but you KNOW what it means. Democrats come out with “We believe in comprehensive immigration reform that balances border security with humanitarian concerns while addressing root causes of migration.” Cool. I fell asleep halfway through that sentence and when I woke up, the election was over.

Second, and this is going to hurt, Democrats need someone who can actually get on TV and stay there. Trump was like a WWE wrestler who figured out how to run for president. The man understood that in 2025, attention is currency, and he was Bill Gates/Jeff Bezos rich in that department. He’d say something insane, CNN would cover it for 48 hours straight, MSNBC would lose their minds, Fox would defend it, and boom—everyone’s talking about Trump. Meanwhile, Democrats are over there doing the political equivalent of posting thoughtful content on MySpace. Remember MySpace? Exactly. That’s the problem. You could have the best ideas in the world, but if you’re boring, nobody’s listening. It’s like being the smartest person at a party but standing in the corner talking about municipal bond yields. Yeah, you’re right about everything, but everyone’s over by the keg with the guy doing terrible impressions. Is it fair? No. Is it reality? Yeah, welcome to Earth, it really sucks here.

Third, Democrats need someone who sounds like an actual human being instead of a focus-grouped robot that learned to speak from reading insurance policies. Trump’s people thought he was authentic. Was he? I don’t know, this billionaire guy is from Manhattan and convinced coal miners he was one of them, so maybe he’s the greatest actor since Daniel Day-Lewis. But the PERCEPTION was that he said what he meant. He didn’t sound like he was reading from note cards written by someone’s nephew who just graduated with a political science degree. You know what drives people crazy? When politicians sound like they’re afraid of their own shadow. “Well, some stakeholders have expressed concerns, and we’re committed to a dialogue that centers multiple perspectives…” OH MY GOD, JUST SAY SOMETHING. Anything! Do you stand for stuff or are you just a really well-dressed weather vane? People want to believe their leader actually believes in something, even if they don’t agree with it. It’s like being with your older cousin who can never decide where to eat. Eventually you’re like, “You know what, forget it, I’m going with the person who at least CHOSE Applebee’s with confidence.”

Fourth, and this is where Democrats really need to pay attention: you gotta hit back. Trump got punched, he punched back. Every single time. Did it make him look presidential? No. Did it make him look like he was fighting for his people? Absolutely. Democrats treat politics like it’s a college debate club where everyone gets a participation trophy and we all shake hands at the end. Meanwhile, Republicans are playing full-contact football and Democrats are showing up in tennis whites going, “Shall we have a civil discourse?” NO. They’re trying to tackle you! Stop acting shocked! It’s like watching someone get mugged and they’re like, “Excuse me sir, I don’t think this is appropriate behavior.” Yeah, no kidding! Do something about it! When Republicans say something crazy, Democrats respond with a carefully worded statement released at 4 PM on a Friday that seven people read. Cool strategy. That’ll show ’em. Trump would respond before you finished your sentence. Was it smart? Usually no. Was it effective? Well, he won the presidency, so maybe we should consider the possibility that screaming into the void actually works better than whispering thoughtfully.

And finally—FINALLY—Democrats could use someone people actually want to follow, not just vote for while holding their nose. Trump built a cult. I’m not even exaggerating. The man could have sold terrible timeshares in hell and his people would’ve been like, “Well, if Trump says it’s got good schools…” That’s not normal, but it IS powerful. Democrats keep running people who seem like they’d remind you about the HOA meeting. Where’s the person who makes you want to run through a wall? Where’s the person you’d actually want to get a beer with, even if that beer is a locally-sourced IPA that costs 12 dollars? People don’t just vote with their heads, they vote with their guts, and right now the Democratic Party has the charisma of a DMV waiting room in the middle of New Jersey on a Friday afternoon in winter. You need someone who makes people feel something other than mild agreement. Obama had it. Bill Clinton had it. It’s not policy, it’s chemistry, and you can’t fake it with better PowerPoints.

Now look, I can already hear the objections. “But we can’t be like Trump! He lied! He divided the country! He made fun of disabled reporters!” Yes. All true. All disqualifying. I’m not saying BECOME that guy. I’m saying learn what worked about how he operated and use it for, you know, NOT terrible purposes. It’s like learning knife skills from a serial killer. Are they a monster? Yes. Do they know how to handle a blade? Unfortunately, also yes. Take the skill, leave the murder.

The point is this: Democrats don’t need to abandon their principles. They don’t need to start lying or acting like wannabe dictators or whatever. But they DO need to understand that in modern America, having the right answers isn’t enough if nobody’s listening. You need to be able to communicate simply, dominate the conversation, sound like you actually mean what you’re saying, fight back when attacked, and make people want to follow you. These aren’t Republican or Democratic skills. They’re just skills. And right now, one party seems to understand how this game is played and the other party is still trying to fact-check their way to victory.

So yeah, Democrats need a Trump-like leader. Not Trump. Not his values, not his lies, not his spray tan budget. But someone with his understanding of how to move people, how to dominate a room, how to make people pay attention. Because here’s the thing nobody wants to admit: you can be right about everything and still lose. And being right doesn’t help anybody if you’re sitting at home watching the other guy sign bills.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hide from the angry emails, ALL CAP-texts and phone calls this are going to generate. From both sides.

Because that’s where we are now.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​